the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
