I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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