I met the friendliest cop last night
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
