Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
