I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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