I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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