I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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