You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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