you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
