see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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