god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
