Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
