I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
