Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
