I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
