i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
