I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
