the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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