Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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