I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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