Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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