I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
