So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
