dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Randomize