take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
