nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
