i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
