I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
