Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
