I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
