My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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