I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
