is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
