this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
