I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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