i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
