living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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