I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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