I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
