The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
