I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
