I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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