Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
