Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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