u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
