Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
