Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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