Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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