college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
