Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
