How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
