You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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