Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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