Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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