I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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