he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
