i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
