Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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