i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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