I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
