Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
zippers are such a cool invention
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
