So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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