Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm going to jail i love you
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
