You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
