i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
