I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
