Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
