totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
