I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
