I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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